yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
