Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
