grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
