the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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