I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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