i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
