my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
