how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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