Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
