ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize