i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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