The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
