so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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