I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
