So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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