by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
