My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Randomize
