roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
