Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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