What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
