We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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