I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
