You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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