can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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