You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you inspire me to be a worse person
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
