so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wanna passion pit in your ass
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Randomize
