Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We are all done wearing pants today
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
