Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
