I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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