Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
