life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Ketchup is God's man juice
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
