If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
dude. I can hear the air.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
