Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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