Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
