wat bout pragnant strippers??
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
