wakey wakey hands off snakey
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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