I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
