I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
