I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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