He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
