Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
