Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
