3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
