His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
