I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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