I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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