pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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