Swine flu. Run for my life!
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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