Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
