I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
