how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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