My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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