Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Drake has all the answers
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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