Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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