My cat gives me a boner
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
