I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
