guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
