What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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