sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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