I think I won the penis lottery.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
