He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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